Archive for the ‘singleness’ Category
More on being single
Posted on: November 22, 2008
A little while ago I wrote about some of the practical things I find helpful as a single woman. In the comments, someone asked for my theological thoughts about the issue of singleness. So, more or less off the top of my head, here they are:
- Marriage and children are great blessings. What does that mean if you’re childless and single? It means you’re missing out. And sometimes that can be really hard.
But it doesn’t make you special. No Christian experiences all of God’s blessings all the time. Married people don’t necessarily experience the blessing of having children. Persecuted Christians may not have the blessing of Christian fellowship. Poor Christians may not have the blessing of owning a bible. They may not even have the blessings of shelter, food and clothing. Single people are not a special category of ‘unblessed Christians’.
It’s okay to want more of God’s blessings. It’s okay to pray for marriage and children (or for freedom, fellowship, the scriptures, food, shelter, clothing and so on). In fact it’s a good thing to do. But be aware that the Lord may have other plans for your life and so…
- Learn to be content. I think this is possibly the most counter-cultural of all the virtues. Everything in our society is geared towards getting what we want, when we want it, which is to say now.
But the bible teaches us to accept the situation that we’re in, trusting that the Lord provides all that we need. Contentment focuses attention on the present, not the future. It’s about being happy with our lot now rather than worrying about the rest of our lives. And it focuses attention on the blessings we do have, rather than the ones we don’t.
- For me, contentment comes most commonly from reflection on God’s sovereignty. All things are as God has intended them, and we know that he works all things for the good of those who love him.
Being single is no accident. The ultimate cause of your singleness is not the lack of eligible men in your church or any defect in your character or appearance. The ultimate cause of your singleness is God. This is what he wants for you, and you can either accept it, trusting that he is good and right in this as in everything, or you can struggle and fight and pit yourself against him. But the reality is that, until and unless God chooses to change your circumstances, they won’t change. If you’re struggling with God in this way, then your willing obedience is a much more pressing issue than your singleness.
- Look forward to your wedding day. I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years studying the Song of Songs, and it’s been a wonderful source of joy as I am reminded again and again of the love of our heavenly bridegroom, and share in the anticipation of the final consummation of our marriage. In fact, I think I need another post on ‘Song of Songs for Singles’. Watch this space…
Being single
Posted on: September 30, 2008
Here’s a post I’ve been meaning to write for a while. I’m 34 and I’m single. And I’m happy. I have a lot of single friends who are not happy to be single. Some of them are very unhappy to be single. So here are my top tips for contentment in singleness. This is not particularly a theological discussion of singleness, though if anyone’s interested I can give you that too. These are practical things that have helped me to be content, and even happy, in my single state.
- Don’t wallow. Being single is not the most important thing about you. So don’t waste your life worrying about being single. Don’t read bridal magazines or browse the windows of jewellery shops eyeing up the rings. Clearly there will be times where you can’t help but feel single – when friends get engaged or married, for instance. But you still get to choose how to respond to those times. Focus on the other person, be happy for your friends. Don’t make it about you.
- Don’t wallow with your other single friends. When you hang out with other single girls, don’t let the conversation always turn to how miserable it is to be single. You have a whole life going on now, you must be able to find something else to talk about between you.
- Don’t feed yourself a diet of happy ever afters. Romcoms and chicklit sell you a line. And if that’s all you watch and all you read, that’s what you’ll start to believe. Real life is not about the happy ever after. There are a whole lot of films and books out there that are about much more interesting things than just the romantic dream. Listen to Radio 4, read Russian tragedies, go to the opera.
- This is really my top, top tip so I don’t know why I’ve buried it here at number 4. Oh well. I’ll just have to put it in pink. Hang out with married friends a lot. This will help with numbers 1, 2 and 3. It’s genius. You don’t get to wallow in your own singleness and you certainly don’t get someone else commiserating with you in your misery. And you get to see that the happy ever after isn’t always quite so happy. And, brilliantly, it also leads to number 5.
- Hang out with friends and their children. Don’t use this as an opportunity to get broody and start wallowing. Just enjoy building up relationships with these children. You get to be the mad auntie and the fun friend. This is a thing I’ve really loved over the last 5 or 10 years. There are children I’ve bathed and put to bed, children I’ve read stories to, children who’ve crawled over me, children who’ve read their Santa letters to me. And, wonderfully, I don’t have to be the one who deals with their nappies, their tantrums, or their teenage angst.
- And actually, what all of this boils down to is, start living your life now. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like you’re waiting for life to start. Work out what sort of person you are and enjoy the life that you have.
And, I know I said this wasn’t my theological post, but I do think it helps to remember that this is an issue of godliness. Learning to be content is an important part of Christian life whether you’re single or married.
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