Here’s a post I’ve been meaning to write for a while. I’m 34 and I’m single. And I’m happy. I have a lot of single friends who are not happy to be single. Some of them are very unhappy to be single. So here are my top tips for contentment in singleness. This is not particularly a theological discussion of singleness, though if anyone’s interested I can give you that too. These are practical things that have helped me to be content, and even happy, in my single state.
- Don’t wallow. Being single is not the most important thing about you. So don’t waste your life worrying about being single. Don’t read bridal magazines or browse the windows of jewellery shops eyeing up the rings. Clearly there will be times where you can’t help but feel single – when friends get engaged or married, for instance. But you still get to choose how to respond to those times. Focus on the other person, be happy for your friends. Don’t make it about you.
- Don’t wallow with your other single friends. When you hang out with other single girls, don’t let the conversation always turn to how miserable it is to be single. You have a whole life going on now, you must be able to find something else to talk about between you.
- Don’t feed yourself a diet of happy ever afters. Romcoms and chicklit sell you a line. And if that’s all you watch and all you read, that’s what you’ll start to believe. Real life is not about the happy ever after. There are a whole lot of films and books out there that are about much more interesting things than just the romantic dream. Listen to Radio 4, read Russian tragedies, go to the opera.
- This is really my top, top tip so I don’t know why I’ve buried it here at number 4. Oh well. I’ll just have to put it in pink. Hang out with married friends a lot. This will help with numbers 1, 2 and 3. It’s genius. You don’t get to wallow in your own singleness and you certainly don’t get someone else commiserating with you in your misery. And you get to see that the happy ever after isn’t always quite so happy. And, brilliantly, it also leads to number 5.
- Hang out with friends and their children. Don’t use this as an opportunity to get broody and start wallowing. Just enjoy building up relationships with these children. You get to be the mad auntie and the fun friend. This is a thing I’ve really loved over the last 5 or 10 years. There are children I’ve bathed and put to bed, children I’ve read stories to, children who’ve crawled over me, children who’ve read their Santa letters to me. And, wonderfully, I don’t have to be the one who deals with their nappies, their tantrums, or their teenage angst.
- And actually, what all of this boils down to is, start living your life now. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like you’re waiting for life to start. Work out what sort of person you are and enjoy the life that you have.
And, I know I said this wasn’t my theological post, but I do think it helps to remember that this is an issue of godliness. Learning to be content is an important part of Christian life whether you’re single or married.
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11 Comments
Hi Ros
Thanks SO much for posting this – it is hugely helpful and positive – and will be printed off and passed around a lot. And i’m really pleased you put in 4 & 5…
see you soon!
Thanks, Mark. Please do pass it on to anyone you think might find it useful.
Brilliant!
Ros-
Great post! I was given some great advice once about a totally different issue but I think it can practically apply here: it is to pray about the work God has for us –make that our focus question instead of going on about what I don’t have or think I need. I find that question helps to orient us away from dwelling too much on ourselves.
Hi Ros,
Thanks so much for doing this one – am planning to send the link to several people. Really refreshing. Do you think when you have the time and inclination you could do a companion one that gives your top “articles of faith” on singleness, as it were? I’m thinking of the truths and applied scripture that you find most helpful to reflect on. I know that there are decent books on this, but it’s fantastic to have something both positive and pithy to share.
I hope you don’t mind the request. Do hope all is well with you, Laura xx
Ros, great post. i fully intend to share it liberally.
Great post, Ros! I plan on passing it along to some readers. I do agree that points #4,5,6 are better than the first three — but I like the order in which you have them, because you conclude with the proactive, positive ones!
Hi Ros,
Thanks for this; this is really encouraging (though obviously being a single man is different to being a single woman, much of what you say is still really helpful).
Do you think Is 56 is a good text for singleness? I was shown this by a friend and always find it encouraging to see how Isaiah reassures the eunuchs who have bound themselves to the Lord that they are far from being dry trees. We probably want to be careful applying OT poetry this directly and out of context, but it’s surely not out of sympathy with Isaiah to think that as he describes life for those waiting for God’s salvation, he is making clear, that, against all the prejudices of his hearers, Gentiles and those who aren’t married are welcome. If this is as I say, it also makes clear that the goodness of singleness is affirmed in the OT, rather than just being invented iin Matt 19 and 1 Cor 7.
I also wander if it’s helpful to bear in mind that the Gen 1 command to multiply is given to all of humanity, not just marrieds. In other words, we have a duty to encourage and help our married friends in child-rearing. Is this a more helpful model than simplistically saying that married people must prioritise the Gen 1 command over the Matt 28 commission, but singles are free to leave Gen 1 to marrieds and so get on in with Matt 28?
Just thoughts. MD
Well said as usual, Ros!
Perhaps you have seen this piece at Christianity Today on “Choosing Celibacy”: http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/september/20.47.html ? Unlike the usual Christian Bridget Jones fare, this writer has some useful and creative points to make. Here’s a snippet:
“What would change in the social fabric of the church if we replenished our communal imagination with the canon of celibate saints who display a portrait of singleness both purposeful and engaging? How might singles think differently of themselves if the church classified them not with the language of what they lack (single), but with the language of a fidelity they may freely assume (celibate)?”
And as other commenters have mentioned, I’m glad you included the points about spending time with parents and children. That’s something that is really helpful for us marrieds-without-children too. My availability to serve other people’s kids is a great blessing of being childless (and one which I get to exercise quite frequently now that I have 13 nieces and nephews!).
Yes,
mindy I see the meaning of being single, celibacy has many meanings to it. Why you may ask as well? Because we are able bring , blessings from ourselves unto others and focus how things turn out better for everyone and see happinnes , the laughter,joy from the parents and children. One day it may be an outcome for the ones that wait until the right person God puts in an individuals life. And enjoy whether single or married. some of the apostles remained single. Because of serving along with Christ made it easier too in the work of the Lord!
I have put this link and your article on theological issues to do with singleness on my facebook wall…as they are both so brilliant.
Thanks for writing them